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English TPR briefings

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Litude

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Post 03 Oct 2011, 18:43

English TPR briefings

This thread is mainly for me and Lewin as we try to rework the English TPR briefing to use an older and more interesting English tone in a similar vein to that of the TSK briefings and messages. Anyone else is of course also more than welcome to jump in with their opinion.

Mission 1
ORIGINAL:
The renegades are trying to oppress the few farmers who remain loyal to the kingdom. Outside the king's palace, innocent farmers are being butchered, and under no circumstances can you allow this!
Force the attackers into retreat!
MODIFICATION:
Verily, our situation is grave. The renegades are oppressing the last of the commoners that still belave loyal to thy king, shamelessly butchering them defenceless though they stand. Thou must perforce put a stop to this! Make haste to defend thy subjects and then indeed shall these dastardly defectors pay for what they have done!

Mission 2
ORIGINAL:
After our successful support of the farmers, we must free the remaining farmers. A large enemy is coming directly towards us from the north.
Into battle!
MODIFICATION:
Thou hast done well, but many a commoner is still imprisoned under the clutches of the rebels. Perchance thou canst soon concentrate thine efforts on freeing the remaining villages. Our spies report that one last wave of rebels is approaching thy current position from the north. Push them back to whence they came!

Mission 3
ORIGINAL:
After the victorious battle you now have some time to rebuild the ruined towns and villages and to secure supplies to your subjects. Then you should turn your attention to liberating the occupied settlements in the north and fight the tyrannical rule of the renegade aristocracy. Spare the civilian country folk and fight only the enemy soldiers who are stationed there.
MODIFICATION:
Victory is ours! Thou shalt use this small window of time to build thy torched towns anew. Squander no time, as thou soon needst sway thine efforts into liberating the occupied settlements nigh to the north. Let not the hinds of these settlements come to harm. They are commoners of thine own, being coerced to follow the renegades' rule by the caitiff soldiers stationed there. Thou must needs defeat these soldiers, and these soldiers only, to free thy subjects.

Mission 4
ORIGINAL:
Our spies have seen enemy troop maneuvers in the surrounding settlements. Due to the high number of enemy soldiers, we must presume that they have a fortified camp. Find and destroy it, including all enemy military buildings.
MODIFICATION:
Our spies have sighted marching enemy troops in the settlements yonder. This doth mean that thine enemy hath indeed captured even these settlements and turned them into military encampments. Thou must needs rid these rebellious soldiers from the land that is rightfully thine and destroy any military buildings they have erected. And forget not, thou shouldst not let any commoners be misdone.

Mission 5
ORIGINAL:
Now, after your overwhelming success in the fight against the rebels, we must reckon with a massive counterattack. Prepare your people for a hard fight. Prevent the villages from being destroyed.
MODIFICATION:
Thy last victory hath stirred up the rebels and even now a huge army is marching toward a local village. Thou shalt help these defenceless commoners and not let the town fall. Repel thine enemy!

Mission 6
ORIGINAL:
We know that our enemy is building new bases. You cannot permit this. Attack as soon as possible, before the enemy has recovered.
Also search the area for raw materials, because your supplies of iron ore are almost exhausted.
MODIFICATION:
Thy previous attacks have indeed driven back the scoundrels. Howsoever, thy scouts report that the rebels have erected new encampments overnight that pose a great threat to the safety of thy commoners. Thou shalt remove these encampments from the surroundings but utterly. Perchance thou canst also use this opportunity to secure new iron mines; thy last battles have emptied our coffers of that which thou art in dire need.

Mission 7
ORIGINAL:
Before we turn again to the rebels, we must win back the settlements in the south. The victory in the last battle brought us a small quantity of iron that we urgently need. But because iron deposits in this area are very limited, we must be very careful how we use it.
MODIFICATION:
Soon thou shalt once again turn thine attention into hunting down further encampments of the scoundrels. More urgent matters currently press upon thee, as thy lands in the south have been overrun. Thou shalt eradicate these settlements, using the iron ore that thy stalwart troops have secured in our last battle to strengthen thine army. Thine iron supplies are limited, so use them wisely.

Mission 8
ORIGINAL:
During our last attack we had to move most of our people away from our base and have given the enemy a chance to attack. Return as quickly as possible, before the foe can overrun our defences!
MODIFICATION:
Thou must make haste! During thy last attack, thou hast tasked nigh all thy soldiers to support thy cause, leaving thy main bastion undefended. Seditious commoners of thine have dispatched this information to the wicked renegades and they even now prepare an attack against thee! Thou must return with all thy speed if thou art to arrive afore the scoundrels have breached thy fortress.

Mission 9
ORIGINAL:
Because of the ambush we have not been able to reach the castle in time. We need to come up with a good strategy to reconquer what is ours. The main gate is heavily defended, and a direct attack would be useless. Try to attack another entrance and avoid casualties, as we have no possibility to mine for more iron ore.
MODIFICATION:
Verily, the ambush hath delayed thy troops and the rebels have iwis succeeded in capturing thy fortress. Let not this discourage thee in thy noble quest! Perchance thou canst use this opportunity to weaken the scoundrels' rule by recapturing thy castle. Thou wilt be hugely outnumbered and the defences of thine adversaries shall be highly superior, but thy knowledge of the terrain shall work to thy behoof; attack not through the main gate, but search for alternate routes.

Mission 10
ORIGINAL:
Through reconquering the castle, we have made some prisoners, who have told us about an underground tunnel, that leads through the northern mountains. The entrance to the tunnel is being guarded by a few enemy soldiers. Overthrow the guards and enter the tunnel.
MODIFICATION:
In thy glorious reconquest of thy castle, thou hast managed to capture some of the rebels. Through extortion, we have managed to retrieve information vital to thy quest. The renegades have a bastion far to the northeast, through an underground pass that leadeth through the steep mountains. Thou must needs find this pass, and defeat any rebels guarding it.

Mission 11
ORIGINAL:
The cave is bigger than expected. Our scouts have discovered enemy guards in the winding tunnels, who are protecting the underground complex from intruders. Reach the exit on the other side of the mountains.
MODIFICATION:
Scouts of thine have performed initial reconnaissance of the newly discovered pass and report that the winding tunnels are being guarded by the wicked scoundrels. Thou shalt perforce traverse through this pass to reach the other side of the mountains.

Mission 12
ORIGINAL:
The opposing troops have been informed of our intentions. Strong enemy battalions are advancing and will soon attack. Build towers to weaken the coming troops. When the defense has been successful, you will be able to cross the pass to the north.
MODIFICATION:
Thou hast successfully arrived through the mountains. Our scouts report that thine enemy is already aware of thee and verily prepareth an attack against thee. Make haste to strengthen thy defences by erecting watch towers. Once thou hast successfully eradicated the enemy from the area, thou canst continue thy glorious advance northward to the final bastion of the rebels!

Mission 13
ORIGINAL:
An ambush! Our enemy has been waiting for us. We are now in an extremely bad position. Force the insidious bandits into retreat!

MODIFICATION:
To thy weapons! Our spies have informed us that thou art about to be made victim to an ambush by the dastardly rebels. Thy current position in the canyon giveth thee a major disadvantage in battle. Thou must needs quickly reposition thy stalwart troops and not let the scoundrels gain the upper hand or thou shalt not taste the joy that victory bringeth!

Mission 14
ORIGINAL:
We have arrived at last bastion of our enemy. They have brought the rest of their armies together and barricaded themselves into their final retreat, northeast from here. Due to the freezing cold, the river is partly frozen, and offers us a possibility of surprising our opposition. Defeat the remaining enemy troops, so that peace can return to our land!
MODIFICATION:
Thou hast arrived at the final bastion of thine enemy. They have brought forth the last of their armies and ensconced themselves into their final retreat, in an attempt to gather together what little remaineth of their once powerful rebellion. Forsooth, the harsh weather hath frozen most of the river. Perchance this could provide thee with the opportunity to take thine enemies by surprise. Show no mercy to the obstinate rebels, that peace may reign once more!
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Krom

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Post 04 Oct 2011, 05:08

I love these new versions, please make all of them like so! :)
Knights Province at: http://www.knightsprovince.com
KaM Remake at: http://www.kamremake.com
Original MBWR/WR2/AFC/FVR tools at: http://krom.reveur.de
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Lewin

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Post 04 Oct 2011, 08:55

Mission 1:
Great work! Suggestion:
"remaineth": the "eth" sounds really tacked on here. My suggestions are either simply "remain or "abide".
Otherwise it looks good, and I agree that we need to take liberty in changing these a fair bit.

Mission 2:
The original is truly awful, using "farmers" twice in the sentence like that sounds really poor.
Just to check: Did you mean "villages" or "villagers"? Either makes sense though.
That one is awesome too, well done :)

I'll let you know if I start work on some of them, but I'm a little busy at the moment with uni and the new Remake demo. Hopefully I'll have time next week.
Lewin.
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Litude

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Post 05 Oct 2011, 19:06

Thanks for all the feedback! :)
@Lewin: I changed the "remaineth" to "abide". I'm now wondering if it's grammatically correct since something in me wants to change it to "abide by the king" or it doesn't sound quite right (in which case remain might be better).
And I did mean villages, thought it fit better in the context.

Added a possible new briefing for mission 3.
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Lewin

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Post 05 Oct 2011, 21:07

I know what you mean about "abide", I thought the same thing when I suggested it to you. But I think it suits KaM the way it is used here even if it's not necessarily correct.

Mission 3 is nice, it explains why you shouldn't kill the citizens much clearer. Once again I don't really have much to add because I like it. Only one suggestion:
"citizens of your own" -> "citizens of thine own"
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Litude

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Post 08 Oct 2011, 11:06

Thanks for that, changed it.
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Litude

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Post 16 Oct 2011, 08:34

Added missions 4 through 8. Probably didn't spend quite as much time on these as I did on the previous ones so there might be some errors here or there. Any feedback appreciated. :wink:
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GreatWhiteBear

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Post 16 Oct 2011, 09:54

don't like 4and5
do like 6and7
8 is too long
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Danjb

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Post 16 Oct 2011, 11:09

My personal opinions:

MODIFICATION:
Verily, our situation is grave. The renegades are oppressing the last of the commoners that still abide loyal to thy king, shamelessly butchering them defenceless as they do be. Thou must perforce put a stop to this! Make haste to defend thine subjects and then indeed shall these dastardly defectors pay for what they have done!

"defenceless as they do be" sounds a bit silly. Maybe just "shamelessly butchering them in their defencelessness" or "shamelessly butchering them, defenceless as they are".

MODIFICATION:
Thou hast done well, but many a commoner are still imprisoned under the clutches of the rebels. Perchance thou canst soon concentrate thy efforts on freeing the remaining villages. Our spies report that one last wave of rebels is approaching thy current position from the north. Push them back to wherein they came from!

I think "thy efforts" should be "thine efforts"; it just seems to flow better. The last bit sounds a bit funny as well, maybe, "Push them back to the land from whence they came!"

MODIFICATION:
Victory is ours! Thou shalt use this small window of time to build the torched towns anew. Squander no time, as thou soon needs to sway thy priority into liberating the occupied settlements nigh to the north. Let not the commoners of these settlements come to any harm. They art citizens of thine own, being coerced to follow the renegade rule by the flagitious soldiers stationed there. Thou must needs defeat these soldiers, and these soldiers only, to free thine subjects.

I would maybe remove the "nigh", and maybe change the "come to any harm" to "come to harm"; short and sweet.

MODIFICATION:
Thy spies hath sighted marching enemy troops in the settlements nigh by. This doth mean that thy enemy hath indeed captured even these settlements and turned them into military encampments. Thou must needs rid these rebellious soldiers from the land that is rightfully thine and destroy any military buildings they mayhaps have erected. And forget not, thou shouldst not let any commoners come in harms way.

This is great apart from "nigh by" and "mayhaps"; they just don't seem to fit in.

MODIFICATION:
Thy last victory hath stirred up the rebels and even now a huge army is marching toward a local village. Thou shalt help these defenseless commoners and not let the town fall. Repel thy enemy!

Nice! I think "thy enemy" should maybe be "thine enemy" though?

MODIFICATION:
Thy previous attacks hath indeed driven back the scoundrels. Howsoever, thy scouts report that the rebels hath erected new encampments overnight that pose a great threat to the safety of thine commoners. Thou shalt remove these encampments from the surroundings but utterly. Perchance thou canst also use this opportunity to secure new iron mines. Thy last battles hath emptied our coffers of that which thou art direly in need of.

Not too keen on this one. It doesn't really seem natural. In particular, "howsoever", "but utterly" and the last sentence.

MODIFICATION:
Soon thou shalt once again turn thy attention into hunting down further encampments of ye scoundrels. More urgent matters currently press on thee, as thy lands in the south have been overrun. Thou shalt eradicate these settlements, using the iron ore that thy stalwart troops hath secured in our last battle to strengthen thine army. Thy iron supplies art limited, so use them wisely.

Don't like the use of "ye"... was that ever used in TSK? Just a thought, "press on" could work nicely as "press upon". "Thy iron supplies" should maybe be "thine iron supplies" again.

MODIFICATION:
Thou hath made a grave, grave mistake. During thy last attack, thou hath tasked nigh all thine soldiers to support thy cause, leaving thy main bastion undefended. Seditious commoners of thine hath dispatched this information to the wicked renegades and they even now prepareth an attack against thee! Thou needs to return with all thine speed in the hopes of making it back before the scoundrels hath managed to breach thy fortress.

I don't think you should tell the player they have made a mistake. Perhaps just start with something like, "Thou must hurry!"

------------------------------------

As a general rule, I think "thy" should be used if the next word starts with a consonant, and "thine" if it starts with a vowel (a bit like "a" and "an").

I could be totally wrong about this as I'm kind of guessing, but it seems to sound better.
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Litude

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Post 16 Oct 2011, 11:52

Thank you Danjb, that was very helpful! I thought thy and thine were completely interchangeable, but after some Googling I can confirm that you are correct. Thy is to be used if the next word starts with a consonant sound (like "a"), and thine is to be used if it's a vowel sound (like "an").

Danjb wrote:"defenceless as they do be" sounds a bit silly. Maybe just "shamelessly butchering them in their defencelessness" or "shamelessly butchering them, defenceless as they are".
The original TSK briefings did use the expression "doth be" which should be a similar case. I do agree that it sounds a bit weird, but I'm not totally convinced that it's wrong.

Danjb wrote:I think "thy efforts" should be "thine efforts"; it just seems to flow better. The last bit sounds a bit funny as well, maybe, "Push them back to the land from whence they came!"
Thine is definitely correct, whence is also a better word than wherein. Personally I think "Push them back to whence they came from!" sounds better though. (The problem with land being that since they are rebels they are technically already in their land, or they have no land at all depending on how you look at things, so pushing them back to their land would be a bit weird.)

Danjb wrote:I would maybe remove the "nigh", and maybe change the "come to any harm" to "come to harm"; short and sweet.
You're right, it sounds better without the "nigh" and "any".

Danjb wrote:This is great apart from "nigh by" and "mayhaps"; they just don't seem to fit in.
Mayhaps needs to go, but if "nigh by" is to be removed the fact that the settlements are close by would have to be expressed in another way. Surrounding settlements is just so boring.

Danjb wrote:Nice! I think "thy enemy" should maybe be "thine enemy" though?
Right

Danjb wrote:Not too keen on this one. It doesn't really seem natural. In particular, "howsoever", "but utterly" and the last sentence.
Doesn't howsoever mean the same thing as however? As for "but utterly", I was trying to indicate that you were allowed to also kill the citizens this time though the end result might have been a bit clumsy.

Danjb wrote:Don't like the use of "ye"... was that ever used in TSK? Just a thought, "press on" could work nicely as "press upon". "Thy iron supplies" should maybe be "thine iron supplies" again.
Ye was used a few times (maybe once or twice) in the original messages. And you're suggestions regarding the two other points certainly improve the message.

Danjb wrote:I don't think you should tell the player they have made a mistake. Perhaps just start with something like, "Thou must hurry!"
Yeah you're probably right. Will most likely end up rewriting the first sentence of that message.
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Danjb

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Post 16 Oct 2011, 15:22

I'm glad I could be of some help :)

The original TSK briefings did use the expression "doth be" which should be a similar case. I do agree that it sounds a bit weird, but I'm not totally convinced that it's wrong.

"defenceless as they doth be" sounds better, I think.

Personally I think "Push them back to whence they came from!" sounds better though. (The problem with land being that since they are rebels they are technically already in their land, or they have no land at all depending on how you look at things, so pushing them back to their land would be a bit weird.)

Yeah, that's good :)

Mayhaps needs to go, but if "nigh by" is to be removed the fact that the settlements are close by would have to be expressed in another way.

Thinking about it, "nigh by" isn't too bad... I think it's just the fact that "nigh" and "by" rhyme that it sounded funny to me :p

Doesn't howsoever mean the same thing as however? As for "but utterly", I was trying to indicate that you were allowed to also kill the citizens this time though the end result might have been a bit clumsy.

I'm not sure... and "but utterly" isn't too bad, on re-reading it.

Ye was used a few times (maybe once or twice) in the original messages.

Fair enough then :)
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Litude

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Post 19 Oct 2011, 17:55

Danjb wrote:"defenceless as they doth be" sounds better, I think.

"Doth" can't be used here since it means "does", not "do" so it would be incorrect. :(

I changed the first sentence of mission 8 to not make it sound like the blame was being laid onto the player. Also fixed the "thy" and "thine" stuff in all the messages to be correct (and in the previously rewritten tutorial and TPR campaign messages).

Oh, and added mission 9.
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Lewin

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Post 07 Nov 2011, 00:37

Mission 9 looks fine to me, I agree that the iron ore is not important.

Mission 10 also looks good. It doesn't actually mention entering the tunnel but that kind of makes sense because you can't actually enter it in-game.

I will test out recording some of these soon to see if I can mimic the TSK reader's voice (I love the way he reads them) I'll need to check up on some pronunciation like seditious and bastion :P

EDIT:
Here are my first attempts: (I uploaded them as MP3s to make the files smaller, but I've kept the original WAVs)
Mission 1
Mission 2

I included most of my attempts, as you can see the later ones are much better than the early ones. In the second one I experimented with pronouncing "whence" differently as I've heard some people do that, but I'm pretty sure it's incorrect so I stopped :P
Questions:
- Is my accent noticeable? It's really hard for me to tell. I tried to speak with a neutral or if anything English accent but it's not easy for me to tell.
- Is the quality good enough? To me it is noticable that it was recorded in my lounge room on a gaming headset mic :P
- What do you think of my intonation/expression? I tried copying the TSK guy but it's MUCH harder than you'd think. If there are certain recordings that you think worked better than others let me know which ones and I'll try to make it like that.

If you think my voice just isn't suitable say so, but please be nice about it because it's harder than you'd think :P
These two took less than an hour to do, so I should be able to get them all done easily if you think it's worth continuing :)
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Danjb

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Post 07 Nov 2011, 10:05

Lewin, that's actually really good! Quality seems fine, and I think the accent is good on the whole (I think I heard a bit of Australian in number 8 of Mission 1 :P). I love the idea of having actual voiceovers for these new briefings, as I, too, really liked the original voiceovers.

The way you annunciate each word carefully is good, but it could maybe be just a tad faster on the whole. I think sometimes they get a bit slow towards the end.

Also in some cases I think you could be a little more... enthusiastic? Not sure if that's the right word exactly, but the original voiceover guy really gets into it, in an almost over-the-top kind of way, so his intonation goes up and down all over the place, kinda like this:

"Verily [^], our situation is grave [v]"

I think you did this particularly well in number 7 (Mission 1) and number 6 (Mission 2). Sometimes your voice seems just a tad deep, but varying the intonation a bit more might remedy this.

Similarly in the voiceovers for Mission 2, I think you should be more forceful towards the end, to make the last sentence into a real exclamation.

Anyway, it was really good! I'm just trying to give as much feedback as I can, which is quite difficult since it's hard to describe voices... but I hope all that makes sense.

Also, hearing them spoken makes me realise that it's really important to nail the actual written briefings before making the recordings, as obviously it will be quite hard to change them later. Some things stuck out to me as sounding a bit weird, like "defenseless as they do be" (I think "doth be" would be better) and "push them back to whence they came from"; I think it needs to be "push them back to .... from whence they came!"

(I've just realised why it sounds funny - it's incorrect to end a sentence on a preposition, such as "from".)

Cheers,

Danjb
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Lewin

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Post 07 Nov 2011, 10:57

Thanks! I really didn't think I'd done that well :P
I agree that they are too slow and not enthusiastic enough, I'll keep that in mind. Glad to hear the accent isn't an issue!

And yes I agree there are some parts that don't work as well, especially "as they do be" and "whence they come from" (you are right about the preposition being wrong)
However there are also some parts that I really like, for example the "dastardly defectors" sounds great in my opinion.

If you can help Litude and I improve them before I read the final versions that'd be great, as you're one of the few people here with the English skills required.
These voices will be used in the Remake too by the way.
It'd be nice to get them "perfect" :)
Lewin.
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